As John Lennon said, life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans! So my big challenge for 2015 is not Kilimanjaro as I had planned but rather another round with the arsehole that is cancer! Yes the dreaded cancer is back and Kili is off the table – for now. I am aiming for next year! I am struggling to stay in the moment and not worry myself to death. Yes, the irony is not lost on me!!!
This is one challenge I had hoped never to have to repeat. I finally had my appointment and after a needle biopsy and an ultra sound scan the consultant said she was, “99% sure it has recurred as initial tests are irregular.” I have to return in a week for conclusive results. It is not looking good as she has already booked me in for a CT Scan of my chest, abdomen and pelvis and a bone scan to check if it has spread elsewhere. This is the worst part when I don’t know what I am dealing with. I sometimes think I cannot not bear to put one more foot in front of me and I want to run away and hide from it all. Of course, that is not an option.
It goes without saying I am very disappointed in my oncologist who reassured me it was nothing and to come back to see him in September!! Also in my GP who ‘just forgot to refer me!’ With my history it beggars belief I should have had such an uphill battle to get a proper diagnosis. I do want any woman who is reading this to follow their own intuition and if they feel there is something wrong with their bodies to pursue it regardless of their doctor’s advice. You know your body better than your doctor. You are living with it everyday. Don’t be afraid to be a nuisance…..your life may just depend on it!
I never intended for this blog to be a cancer blog, but as it has come up in my life at this point in time I shall be referring to it and relating how I am getting on. And if my journey helps anyone else it will be worthwhile. But I am more than cancer and I hope my blog will reflect that. Another irony is the fact I have chosen to only confide in my family and a couple of close friends, but yet here I am posting on this blog! Right now I don’t need any doom and gloom or insincere comments from the gossip brigade recounting how “I’m not well.” What does that mean anyway? I can’t stand that phrase! ‘Not well’ could be anything from a mild cold to dying! And paradoxically I feel very well.
My husband and I are devastated but in the midst of all this upheaval family life carries on. School runs, packed lunches (which I hasten to add is my husband’s remit, thank God), making dinners, laundry, it all goes on regardless. Tonight, feeling devastated or not, I have to attend a school meeting for my son’s GCSE choices. He deserves to have his mum there and I will be! So for now head up, shoulders back, I’ll plaster that smile on my face and carry on as normal/crazy as usual.
But boy am I glad I didn’t waste any more time on the job I hated!
photo credit: <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/60141638@N06/8716425898″>Change</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a> <a href=”https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/2.0/”>(license)</a>