Scans and Waiting

faith
Humphrey King / Foter / CC BY-SA

In the past week I’ve had a CT scan of my chest area,  a needle biopsy of a ‘suspicious’ looking lymph node and a bone scan.  All of these tests are to determine if my cancer has spread elsewhere in my body.   This is the worst part….the not knowing.

The Chest Computed Tomography better known as a CT Scan was carried out on Friday 13th and yes I am superstitious.  But let’s face it bad luck can happen any day.  My friend texted me as I waited..

“Will you have to wear the gown with no arse in it?”

At least that made me smile.

I was alone but there was an older woman there who had three women with her.  I assume they were her daughters.  They fussed constantly over the old lady and chatted loudly as if they were they only ones in the room.  They began discussing bridesmaids dresses and this conversation interested me as I am to be bridesmaid at my sister’s wedding next May so I listened more intently than I should.  One had bought material for £16 and Mrs McCabe had made it for nothing back in the day! Must have  been a long time ago!  The virtues of salmon pink versus peacock blue were also discussed at length.  No one wins that argument.  They ask me what I think and I laugh and tell them blue is my favourite colour no contest.  They have no idea how this particular conversation has churned up all kinds of worry about how I will be be for mylittle sister’s wedding.

The scan  is painless and it is not invasive although the gown with no arse in it could be considered as a crime against humanity.  I did have to drink a special dye which tasted like watery diluted orange juice an hour beforehand and then an injection of dye into my arm just before they scanned me.   The dye helps to show up certain areas better so in my case we will be hoping nothing else shows up other than what we already know about.   I had the bone scan a few days later and it also involved getting an injection into my arm which works as a contrast helping “hotspots” show up on the Xray.   Bring me back to the day when a hotspot was the latest nightclub and it wasn’t dye I was sipping but cocktails!

The only way I have to get through this is to stick right in the moment.  All the experts talk of “staying” in the moment but I feel there is more willpower in “sticking”.  I felt claustrophobic and panicky in the bone scan machine but I shut my eyes tight and kept repeating – in this moment I am ok.  I focused on breathing in to my abdomen and in doing so I calmed down.   I was told to expect to be lying there for about 40 minutes to an hour and I was thinking how on earth will I last that long but as my focus was on my breathing and not on the procedure itself – it went quicker than I expected.

So now I wait for the results and pray.

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