I am booked in for surgery for Monday 23rd March. My consultant is 99% (that 1% always makes me nervous) sure it is a local recurrence and therefore wants to excise at that particular area which means a much smaller operation than initially anticipated. Of course, my surgeon has no way of knowing how deep the lump is without surgery and he is also hoping for a clear margin around the area. He does not want to see any scattering of cancer through the tissue because as long as it is contained it will be easier to defeat. Apparently, all of this will become clear after surgery.
After this conversation I feel like my body is a war zone and I am making strategic plans against the enemy within. I asked him what could have triggered the recurrence but he said he didn’t know. It was a stupid question, I suppose, after all if he knew he would have a cure for cancer. He then followed up his response with a blase remark of “just nature and bad luck”. I’m not sure what his intention was in saying this but it had the sole effect of making me feel worse. And I didn’t think that was possible.
When I wake in the morning, for a couple of seconds, I forget the cancer has returned. But then it all comes racing back and fear lies beside me on the pillow. Some mornings I imagine a type of cancer magnet or hoover sucking any tumours out of my body and when I think I am completely clean, I flood my body with golden healing light. It is one of those mind and body exercises which some skeptics may sneer at but as long as it makes me feel better and more in control I am a believer.
In the war against cancer, weapons of choice are usually surgery and chemotherapy but I never underestimate the power of my mind to help me win the battle as well.